


Letters I've Written Never Meaning to Send

by letrickster



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Civil War Fix-It, Fix-It, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Slow Burn, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, and a nap probably, canon is being taken out back and slowly roasted at 450 degrees
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-21 08:00:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14911496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letrickster/pseuds/letrickster
Summary: In the aftermath, Tony writes his own letters





	1. July 2016

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this is my first fic in about 8000000 years so constructive criticism is appreciated and welcomed! I've been wanting to start writing again for ages and I had this idea at like 2am one night and it wouldn't let me go.  
> I honestly really dislike Civil War as a plotline and I have Opinions about it that I'm not going to get into, but its what the idea called for and I'm just going with it. Also it does pave the way for a lot of angst which I don't always love either but it'll end happy, promise!  
> The title comes from Nights in White Satin by The Moody Blues
> 
> Anyways that's enough from me, enjoy <3

Rogers,  
My therapist recommended that I write, keep a “diary” or something. I don’t like the idea, and I already talk to myself enough as it is… but, I’m trying to move on, heal, I don’t know. Writing to you makes me feel less crazy than writing to myself. This doesn’t mean I want to talk to you, I really truly don’t, but you’re not ever going to see this so it doesn’t matter I guess. If you want to know why I’m writing this on paper, (ugh physical medium) apparently “You can’t write as fast as you type and it forces you to consider your words”. As far as I’m concerned that’s also bullshit and I can write very fast so I have no idea what she’s on about.  
I’m honestly not really sure what to talk about. Feelings and shit probably, how do I feel? Tired, old, like I don’t have time to feel either of those things with the whole world on my ass. There are some days where I consider retirement but you know I could never do that. This is my responsibility, I can’t just walk away, not while I can still do some good.  
Anyways I’m supposed to write here twice a week and I feel like this was probably enough to get her off my back for now. She probably does know what she’s doing, I mean she has a degree. I could probably get a degree in clinical psychology, wouldn’t take too long if I just- you know what I’m gonna stop myself there.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
I don’t 100% know what day it is, I don’t really know if I care? I’m pretty sure its morning. I moved back to the tower, the compound is too quiet, I hate it. It’s quiet here too, but its our ~~my~~ home, or it was. Its also a lot easier to deal with SI from here, R &D is only a few floors down. Not that I’m running things obviously, but I still have to meet with the board occasionally and deal with all the engineers. I want to get some new interns in soon, liven up the place a bit, get new ideas in. There’s a couple of kids I have in mind, I’ll do the interviews myself most likely. Wow, I got completely off topic, in my defense its like ass o’ clock in the morning and I may have been awake for a few days, sue me.  
I can feel your disapproving eyebrows from here, I was already planning on passing out though so you get no credit for that one.  
Its easier to talk to you when I know its only really in my head.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
Fucking nightmares. They’re different now, they used to all be about Afghanistan, about drowning on land, then they were about watching everything I love die. Now they’re about Siberia, sometimes I die in them. I don’t know if the ones where I die are nightmares at all though, nightmares aren’t usually peaceful. You probably don’t know this but I had to reinstall the reactor again. Turns out if you slam someone in the chest with a shield and they already have a shitty heart it doesn’t go so well. Extremis didn’t fix me completely the first time and I don’t want to risk it again. I know it’s stable, I did the calculations myself, but its better this way. I did kind of miss it in a way, I got so used to having that light, it was odd to live without it. Not that I missed the pain, definitely not.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
I still can’t believe you gave me a flip phone, this thing is fucking archaic. No, I’m not calling you. I said I didn’t want to talk to you and that point still stands. I will however, complain about this absolutely philistine technology. Speaking of that though, what kind of bullshit letter was that Rogers? “The Avengers were your family”, cut the crap. They were our family, or did you not notice how half of them sided with you and left, I feel like that one would be a little hard to ignore. I know sometimes you feel like you don’t belong but come on… you were our leader, our fucking stalwart hero. Not perfect, but good, and honest (hah). Wonder when that all changed, when you decided I couldn’t handle the truth. When you decided you knew what was best for me… As if it wasn’t to spare yourself.  
I don’t hate Barnes. I’m not so sure about you.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
I know what time it is this time, its 2:47AM, the one time I actually try to sleep at a reasonable hour and I get this shit.  
Did we ever talk about ~~my dad~~ Howard? I doubt it… I avoided bringing him up like my life fuckin’ depended on it. He was a real piece of work, don’t know about when you knew him, but he must’ve been different. If you’d have seen him back when I was young, I’m pretty sure you would’ve punched him. God, wouldn’t that be so satisfying, watching you knock the bastard out. I never got a punch in myself, I knew it’d be a lot worse if I fought back, figured that one out through experience.  
Always fucking hated him, hated the way he treated my mother, how he treated everyone around him that he deemed lesser. He called me his greatest creation, as if he ever had any real hand in it, if anyone was my father it was Jarvis.  
So you see, that’s not really what hurt, I mean I didn’t enjoy watching him die, watching him struggle. I didn’t enjoy it, and it hurt, not as much as it could’ve but it did... But he killed my mother Rogers, I had to watch, she called for him and he killed her, he killed my mother. I am glad you stopped me. I don’t want him dead, I know it’s not his fault. I just, god, I wish it hadn’t been like that. Everything went south so goddamn fast, it all went to shit ~~Steve~~ Cap. Why couldn’t you just tell me.  
Tony

  


Do you think we can fix it?

  


Rogers,  
The doctors say Rhodey’s progressing really well, he can walk pretty much fine with the brace on now. He tries to tell me its not my fault, that he doesn’t blame me, but it is. I shouldn’t have dragged him into this, into this life… I didn’t mean to, I tried so damn hard to keep him safe… I don’t think he blames Sam either, although I don’t think he’ll be buddy-buddy with him anytime soon. I know I don’t deserve it but I am so lucky to have him as a friend. He’s been there since MIT you know, since I was 15. We were roommates for the first year, well, sort of, more like I slept on his couch more than in my own bed. We met at a party, I was trying to impress some of the older kids, of course. I hated that I was so much younger than them, and they hated it too, but I had ridiculous amounts of money and I desperately wanted friends so they pretended to like me as long as I paid for things. I was wasted, not too horribly, but pretty bad, and Rhodey, mother hen that he is, realized what was going on and decided to help me get back to my room. After that well… couldn’t seem to get rid of him, he started sitting beside me in class, and bringing me food because he knew I wouldn’t remember to eat. Eventually I stopped trying to get rid of him, because “I didn’t need to be taken care of”, hah, and that was that. It took me a little while to realize he didn’t have any ulterior motives. He’s been by my side ever since, saved my life more times than he should’ve. He’s the one who found me in Afghanistan you know, looked for me the whole time, drove his superiors up the wall by the end of it. They were so sure I was dead but he knew, he knew I wouldn’t give up, wouldn’t die. No one else ever stuck with me like that, except Pepper, but he was first. I finally believe him when he says he’s not leaving. Took a long time to get to that point but, I’m there now… well mostly. I was worried he’d leave after what happened but when I told him that he just gave me that look, the one he gives me when I’m being an idiot, which is frequently, and then punched me in the shoulder. So, I guess that means he’s staying. He deserves better than me but if I can, if I can be even just a tiny bit of what he is to me, I’d drop everything for that.  
Don’t ever tell him I said any of this, he’d tease me for it for years and he’s already got more than enough dirt on me.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
I am drowning in paperwork, actually drowning. Pepper thins the herd as much as she can, bless her, but there’s still so much shit. There was always a lot for patents and deals and what have you and that all got a lot easier when I made Pep CEO but I am working with mountains now, bounteous piles of crap. Most of it is accords stuff, or other superheroing minutiae, she can’t really deal with all of that for me unfortunately. I pick up my own messes now, especially after Stane and the palladium… I don’t like leaving those things in the hands of others, and even less after New York and Sokovia. Alas, I’ve probably taken too long of a break from this crap, time to dive back in.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
I really don’t want to have to use this phone. ~~I wish you’d just come back.~~ It’s a pain in the ass fielding all this by myself, but soommeeeone just had to go and get themselves banned from like 117 different countries. I’m working on that by the way, to at least get you temporary amnesty if my plan works, and then full amnesty if you don’t hate what I want to do. Which you probably will, you’re even more stubborn than I am you know, and that’s saying something. Why is it we can never agree anymore, or even agree to disagree. What the hell happened Cap… when did it all go to shit? Things were good right? I thought they were at least, but apparently, you’ve been lying to me for years. I’m too tired to be angry anymore. I’m tired of all this, everyone’s split up and it sucks, it really does. We had a good thing going for a while there, we were friends, we cared about each other, we saved the world, it was good… I know I screwed up, I’m not denying that, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I was scared, I still am, of what’s out there. I saw too much, I know too much, and I wish I could take it back, get rid of all those memories, except I don’t, not really. If I didn’t know I wouldn’t be preparing, lord knows we’re gonna need all the help we can get and I’ve got to do my part, get my shit together. But, I did some stuff I’m not proud of, and I’m going to keep working to fix that, keep trying to be better, its what I have to do. So, don’t think I’m blaming you for everything. I’m blaming you for some of it though. I just wish we had had more time, maybe then, maybe it wouldn’t have all fallen apart so quickly. I don’t know, I almost wish I could talk to you, try to figure out how to fix all this, I’m good at all this political crap, but I wish I didn’t have to do it on my own.  
Tony


	2. August, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Progress is made? Canon is being burned in a pyre in the backyard, come warm your hands by the fire

Rogers,  
I swear these bots are going to be the death of me, I don’t know how but if I die in my lab one day it was them and don’t say I didn’t warn you. DUM-E made me another one of his inedible smoothies today, he tries, he really does but he keeps forgetting that humans can’t digest motor oil, and that wrenches don’t go in the blender. Butterfingers nearly set the lab on fire trying to put one of my blowtorches away and U sprayed half the lab with the fire extinguisher because it panicked. I gave up on work for the day and just came upstairs. Come to think of it they might’ve done that on purpose. I’ve been down there for a few days and I probably haven’t been eating much. I’d be more annoyed but honestly, I’m really tired and I may pass out right here.  
Or not, JARVIS is apparently going to bother me until I change and get to a proper bed.  
Good night

  


Rogers,  
You know I really am jealous that you’re in Wakanda, if I could just see their tech, talk with some of their engineers. God I could learn so much from them, I’m going to have to bother T’Challa for a tour one day, I don’t actually think he’d let me in for me to have one but I can dream. I know his sister makes a lot of his tech I’d really love to talk to her, god she’s probably already surpassed me but it’d be fantastic to talk to her, get some ideas. I don’t think they’d ever let me touch their tech either, they seem pretty protective of it which is fair, I know the feeling. Gotta be nice weather there too, its been raining all week here. Don’t get me wrong I like rain but when there’s no one around and its just that miserable cloudy grey weather… you know how it is.  
Tony 

  


Rogers,  
I almost wish I could talk to you, that I wasn’t as pissed at you as I still am. As much as I hate to admit it I miss you. It’s fuckin lonely as hell here, and we were getting to a good place, things were good we were good… Sometimes I hold that stupid phone you sent me and start a text but I can never send it. I know we butted heads a lot and we never agreed on anything but… I trusted you, more than, more than almost anyone… and you lied, not just once, but for years. It was /years/ Rogers…  
My dad never shut up about you you know… never stopped looking for you, never stopped hoping, and I idolized you. You were this incredible hero, this tiny kid who despite all odds, made it, and did something, and changed the world. I thought, that if you could do it, maybe I could do something too. I could make something good, be someone special, someone my dad would be proud of. Hah, as if. Sometimes I resented you a little, he cared about you more than he cared about me and that hurt, it hurt a lot and it wasn’t fair, but I got over that eventually. When I first met you, I won’t lie I was a little excited, its not every day you get to meet your childhood hero, unfortunately that excitement didn’t last. We were just, at each other’s throats instantly, and I thought to myself, dad really was full of shit. Some of that I will in fact blame on the staff, but not all of it, I didn’t handle it well, but then we fought together, we worked together, and yeah, my dad was wrong. He always talked about how great Captain America was, what he never said was that Steve Rogers was so much more than that.  
Even though I’m pissed at you right now, I still think, that you’re the best man I’ve ever known.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
I hate how quiet it is here. Rhodey and Pep come to visit sometimes, but, they’re busy people you know? That’s part of why I used to throw so many parties, I don’t really like being alone… After Afghanistan, well I didn’t mind so much then, I had so much to do and so much to plan and organize… it was all consuming… After New York, well I protested a lot when people started moving in but I never really meant it. It was good to have people around, people I cared about.  
Now, now its so quiet. JARVIS puts music on whenever I’m awake so I don’t get so wrapped up in my thoughts and it helps, a bit. I talked to Bruce last week… He’s doing good but he’s staying of the grid which I don’t blame him for. I miss him… I haven’t heard from Nat in a while but that’s kind of par for the course, she can’t do deep cover so well after you two put all that info up, neither can Clint, but she’s keeping busy, working.  
Haven’t heard from Thor since Ultron but that’s kind of what I expected. Haven’t heard from you either. I’m not sure where Wanda and Vision are, I could probably find them but, they deserve some privacy after everything. I know where Wilson is but I doubt he’ll be speaking to me any time soon… What I’m trying to say is that I miss the team. I’m still working on getting the rest of you pardoned, which means I’ll probably have to tell you about that. Not sure where I am on that front, how I feel about it. I’m trying not to think about it.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
The weather is getting better, it’s still cooler than usual which I actually don’t mind too much. New York isn’t always pleasant in the summer. The rain has stopped which is the main thing, and its harder to feel bad when its beautiful outside. Not that I take a ton of notice in the weather seeing as I mostly live in my lab these days. JARVIS makes me come up when he can and Pepper drags me out for the meetings I have to go to in person. Well not usually physically, she’s far too busy for that but she will call and threaten me which is close enough to get my ass in gear. SI isn’t doing anything too exciting right now unfortunately, I don’t have as much work to get lost in as I’d like.  
I’ve mostly been working on the armor and trying to deal with the political and media shit storm, I have a publicist for some of it but I have to do some interviews in person unfortunately. I really wish they’d stop asking, it’s not as if I’m gonna tell them anything new. I’m not dragging anyone through the mud just so they can get a story, I’m not dragging anyone through the mud period.  
While I may disagree with you still, most of what I’m mad about is personal and they don’t have the right to know any of it, and even though I disagree, I understand your feelings on the accords and I’m not interested in shittalking anyone. Luckily reporters get bored quickly so it won’t be like this for too much longer.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
Pepper is trying to convince me to put plants in my workshop, apparently its “depressing” and “you need some life down here Tony” and “I’m worried about you”. That last one was uncalled for I’m fine. Like I mean I’m not fantastic but I’m fine, and she’s got more than enough to worry about without me dragging her into my shit. I’ve done more than enough of that for the time that I’ve known her. Part of me wishes things could’ve worked out but, after extremis… I couldn’t keep doing this to her, I can’t keep putting her in harms way, she’s safer this way, and watching me do what I do was really hard on her. Even with how long she’s known me and how much she’s done, at the end of the day she’s still a civilian, she wanted me to give this up for her and I wanted to do it, I wanted to do it for her, god she deserved it but, I couldn’t. I’m not strong enough for that… and people need me, I can’t just stand by and watch the world fall apart.  
She’s happier now too, I can see it, she’s doing such an incredible job and I’m happy to watch and offer any support she needs. Not that she needs help, especially not from me, but we’ve known each other for so long and I can tell when she needs a break or when I can step in and try to make her life a little easier. It’s, god it’s been what like three years now though? You know how it was when it happened, you were there, but I’ve been okay about that for, for quite a while. I love Pep to death but we didn’t work and that’s okay. I’m not sure if you know but she and Happy got engaged, they’re really happy together and I get to be Hap’s best man.  
Rhodey, Happy, and Pep have a bet on how far into the ceremony we’ll get before I start crying. Pepper, angel that she is, bet that I wouldn’t lose it until the very end but honestly all four of us are gonna be a mess. Pepper won’t look like one, she never does but she’ll be a mess. Happy thinks I won’t cry at all but I still sign his cheques so that doesn’t count. Rhodey is terrible and evil and bet that I’ll start while I’m walking her down the isle but he’s probably right.  
Anyways they’re getting married pretty soon, end of September actually. Being friends with me does allow you to get a venue fairly quickly, and she really wanted to get married in the fall, its her favourite season. It’s really nice to have some good news for a change.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
We just started the beta testing for the new Starkphone and I was really tempted to send you one of the proprietary models. Well, a slightly improved one with access to my private satellites and what not. For some ungodly reason however, I’ve become mildly attached to the awful flip phone, and I doubt you’d accept or use anything I sent you right now, no matter how gorgeous the tech is. Working on the phones isn’t always incredibly interesting but they’re still extremely high quality of course and they’re the best on the market. I’m trying to push Apple out of the market a bit, offering more backwards compatibility, continuing to push updates to older models.  
I don’t want them to become obsolete a year after I release them, partially because I’ve got better things to do than design new ones, partially because I love new tech but that’s ridiculous and a huge waste. That’s why I don’t release a new model every year, I think we’re doing about every three years at this point, while continuing to upgrade older models while things are in development. We’re also trying to make them easy to fix so that they don’t have to be replaced so often, which means making really powerful tech that is also simple enough for anyone with internet and basic awareness to fix. We’re not quite there yet I don’t think, but it’s a fun challenge, one I should probably get back on.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
I think we’re getting close to being able to get you guys at least somewhat pardoned. We’re almost at the point where you’ll be able to legally leave Wakanda and not get arrested immediately which is good news. Unfortunately, that does mean I’m going to have to text you, is it unfortunate? I don’t know, there’s a part of me that’s almost looking forward to it and I don’t know how to deal with that but, I’ve gotta do it. I guess I could send the message through T’challa but, that feels like a cop out… After everything, after how much we haven’t listened to each other, and hid things, it’d be wrong to go through someone else. I’m not doing it tonight though, I don’t think I’m prepared to and I’m also waiting on one final email which should be here some time this week. Yay… I am, genuinely looking forward to being able to not have people classifying people I care about as war criminals though.  
Tony

  


**Tuesday, August 30th 2016**  
10:03 AM  
Tony – You’re officially no longer a war criminal. Congrats  
10:10  
Tony – Full pardons and negotiations are on their way  
10:30  
Tony – I’ll let you know when there’s news  
4:27 PM  
Steve – Thank you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the heavy amount of text here, things will be a little bit better formatted as we go one but as these are supposed to be letters I spaced them more like how I write on paper


	3. September, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a little later than I would've liked but I got some awful news this weekend and not as much writing got done as I wanted. At any rate I hope you enjoy this chapter, things will be picking up next week with a bit of deviation from the regular format!

Rogers,  
So, that could’ve gone worse? I only really meant to send one message but it took you a while to respond and well, it’s fine. God, I sound like a teenager, its fine. You know its funny, I was dreading sending that message, I spent, far too long composing it, and now its fine. I’m okay with it, I’m still not okay with you but we’ll deal with that later.  
I need to actually talk to you, which I am still dreading, I need to hear it from you I need to hear it properly, I need to know. I don’t want to hear what you already told me because we all know that was just some bullshit, I want to know the truth. I can suspect all I want but I want to hear it from you and I know you won’t lie to me this time.  
It’ll be a while before the meetings can be set up, probably not till October, and I’ll have to find somewhere to host them. Here is obviously a no-go, and I’m not even gonna think about asking T’Challa if he’d host, we need to find someone reasonably neutral. What if we do it in Switzerland, its nice there, they’re historically neutral, I know some important people there too so I could probably swing it. Let me make some calls.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
Pepper and Happy have been fighting over me and normally you know I’d be all about that but its over who’s best man I should be. Happy will probably win since I’m walking Pepper down the aisle (her dad died a few years back, lovely man) and she’s nothing if not reasonable. Well depends who you are but she loves him so I think she’ll let it go. She wants to plan almost all of it herself, which I personally believe is going to stress her to no end but also both of us are chronic micromanagers so I understand. She’s actually not as bad as me normally but I think the wedding is bringing out her dark side, she expects competency as the bare minimum and unfortunately, she doesn’t always get it. Well not the first go around, she Always gets it on the second, everyone is scared enough by then that they’ll do whatever she wants.  
I really want this to go well for her, after everything that’s happened… she deserves it.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
You know I’ve barely touched the armor in months. I’ve been working on it on and off of course, I’ve never really been able to stop doing that but, I don’t actually remember the last time I flew. I couldn’t after you left me there in Siberia. You shut down the main reactor so I was on back up power and it was safer to walk back to the entrance and call someone, especially since I was in such rough shape. Luckily there hasn’t been any real need to put it on, there was an incident a few weeks ago on 8th, nothing major, just some shitty Hammer Tech causing trouble.  
I know you and the rest of the gang are running some “super secret” missions in Europe and North Africa, I think Tasha wants me to find the info, I know she’s usually way better at hiding it from me. She’s doing a good job, no need to worry, most people wouldn’t be able to get in but I think she left a back door for me and JARVIS. Also, you’re not being as sneaky as you think you are, there’s some shakey cellphone footage from that op you ran in Prague and some security cam footage from Istanbul, don’t worry I wiped them as soon as I saw them. Just because I’m mad at you doesn’t mean I’m not watching your back, you need all the help you can get.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
I think about my mom a lot. About all the things we did together, everything she taught me. She taught me how to dance, how to play piano, how to speak Italian. She didn’t speak it often, only really when we were alone, terms of endearment, that sort of thing. I worked really hard at it though, I was fluent, I’m a little rusty now but it’s still there. She spoke less and less of it as I got older, as she got older and he wore her down. She was always so tired, I didn’t notice it until I left for MIT, whenever I visited she’d be so excited to see me but I could tell that it was hard for her. She was always wearing makeup to cover the dark circles, and the bruises… there weren’t as many as when I was young but he tore her down in other ways.  
I always hoped she would leave him but I knew she couldn’t, I was lucky I could, she made sure I could, she protected me as best she could. I wish I would’ve thanked her more. The last time I saw her I was 19, I was home on a break from school, getting my second or third degree I don’t know. She and Howard were going on a trip, she played piano, I was shitty to dad, they left. A little while later I got the call. I don’t think I regret what I said to him but I wish I had said more to her.  
That’s one of the reasons I built B.A.R.F. (one day I’ll find a better acronym), it helps in some ways. Lets me see her again at the very least. I miss her every single day, I know you know what its like to lose your parents, especially when its not to something like old age. It never goes away, that hurt, and there’s a part of me that’s glad it doesn’t, it’d feel wrong to let go of it completely. It gets better, easier, but it never goes away, that horrible ache. I wish I could tell her I love her one more time.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
I’ve mentioned him before but I don’t think I talked about JARVIS properly. I mean you knew him before of course, and he’s the same as he was, I rebuilt him, sort of. I had some old backup copies of his software, they probably only survived because they were old, and not activated at all. I made them in case there were any system failures or what not, they’re a little bare bones compared to the real deal but I gave the copy I rebuilt enough information, and synced it slightly with Vision (with his permission!), so he’s pretty much back in business.  
I love FRIDAY to bits and I’ve still got her running some stuff but… JARVIS was always different, he was the first proper AI I ever built (second if you count DUM-E and I usually do). I was 20, I had built the first version of him earlier in my teens but I got him properly online then. He’s been with me ever since, and I honestly don’t know what I’d do without him.  
Don’t get me wrong Vision is great but he’s not JARVIS, he’s beyond that and more than that he’s his own person and it’d be, dehumanizing of me to think of him like that. So, anyways, its been really good to have him back. I missed him, he missed me, the other bots missed him a bunch too, I’d swear DUM-E and U were crying except they literally cannot cry.  
Speaking of though, he’s bothering me about how late it is again and I should probably just give in at this point so goodnight.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
Y’know I feel like these have stopped being like journal entries and more like letters, the only difference being that I am, Never sending these anywhere. I told my therapist what I was doing with her suggestion a while ago and she seemed a little surprised but she approved. It does feel, cathartic in a way, it also helps me keep track of time, and my life a bit… I don’t, really like to talk about the things I talk about here. There not things I would bring up to pretty much anyone I know, maybe bits of them to people like Rhodey and Pepper but, not everything. I can’t tell them a lot of these things, hell I still can’t write down everything, but its getting easier I think… and its helping. I think, I hope.  
I don’t want to be upset and angry forever.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
We’re gearing up for the wedding this week, Monday and the wedding is Friday evening. Pepper is painfully stressed so I’m taking her on a spa day for her bachelorette party. I’m not technically her maid of honour but I am unofficially part of her posse and I know how to plan a good party and her bridesmaids all know it so her sister graciously offered to let me handle it. It does however mean I have to plan two parties because I’m doing Happy’s as well but Rhodey’s helping me out with that one. No there are not going to be strippers I know you’re making that face and you can stop. Happy would never, hasn’t in years and neither have I honestly. I haven’t done much partying since Afghanistan and I can’t say I miss it really at all.  
Anyways so that’s all being worked out right now, both of the parties are probably gonna be a bit quiet, neither of them is really interested in anything crazy so I kind of just want both of them to have a good relaxing time before the big day. Happy’s whole thing is gonna be tomorrow and we’re doing Pepper’s on Thursday so they don’t overlap and I can go to both.  
Happy’s has to be tomorrow because I’m flying his whole entourage to London tonight and we need enough time to do what I have planned and then get back without being too jet lagged for the wedding. Don’t tell him because it’s a surprise but I called in a favour and got the owners of the house they shoot Downton Abbey in to let us have a private tour and spend most of the day there. I might actually book him in a spa day on Thursday too so he can rest and relax a bit, not the same one as Pepper because Thursday is for her but I’ll send him off somewhere nice.  
I really hope they like everything I have planned… I think I know them well enough that what I plan will be something they’ll love but, y’know you always worry, at least I do anyways. They deserve this so much and I want to do my best to make it perfect for them. Happy was in an accident a few years back, I don’t know if you know, he was hurt pretty bad. It was my fault too, he was just trying to do his job and Killian and his cronies put him in a coma. He recovered, thank god, but, I still blame myself for that. Not to mention he’s my oldest friend apart from Rhodey and I’m happy to make him happy, heh. There’s still a lot to do before tomorrow so I’ve got to get on that.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
The wedding is finally over and done with, they’re on their honeymoon and I feel like sleeping for 1000 years. I mean I wont, but I feel like I could. It went almost perfectly, there was a small issue with the catering, the sauces for two of the dishes somehow got mixed up and they ruined a couple portions, but I think I got it fixed before Pep noticed so I’m pretty pleased.  
I’ve got a date set up for the “family reunion”. There’s a government facility in Sweden that’s willing to host us from the 13th to the 15th. I’m still a little numb to the idea but, I guess we’ll see how it goes, I am looking forward to seeing everyone. Looking forward to seeing you I’m not actually upset about the prospect of seeing you I miss you a lot so that’s something.  
At any rate, I’m about ready to pass out so I’m gonna get on that.  
See you soon,  
Tony

  


**Saturday, October 1st 2016**  
12:05 PM  
Steve – Heard about the wedding, send my regards to the happy couple  
12:10 PM  
Tony – Will do  
12:30 PM  
Tony – BTW, meeting is set. T’Challa knows the details  
1:13 PM  
Steve – Thank you for the heads up, I’ll talk to him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week may be a little late as well unfortunately as my sister is coming home for a visit this weekend but I'll have a good amount of time to write next week!


	4. October, 2016 pt.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> October is here and its time to confront some issues, or some people, or both. Everyone is very emotional and very tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for the lateness of this chapter, I got a second job last week and there's been a lot going on. I ended up writing the vast majority of this today since it was my first real day off in a while. Anyways I hope you enjoy the first chapter with actual dialogue and scenes!  
> The next one shouldn't take nearly as long, partially because I've already started writing it and I have tomorrow off as well. October is going to be split into parts because the whole meeting thing is pretty long and I'd rather post it in chunks so it doesn't take as long to come out and because I like to keep the chapters around 2k.  
> Thank you for your patience, enjoy <3

Rogers,  
Everything is set in motion now, I’m not sure if I should’ve told you the details myself but T’Challa very kindly offered to do it and I’m happy to let him deal with it… talking to you is still super nerve wracking, which is ridiculous but he seemed to realize that which I’m very grateful for. He’s an exceedingly good diplomat so his help is greatly appreciated. I know I’m a pretty charismatic person myself but I also tend to rub a lot of people the wrong way, luckily, I’ve learned how to not give a shit about other people’s opinions of me (well most people’s anyway). I am planning to be on my best behaviour for this gathering but having him and Natasha there means we’ll get what we’re gunning for.  
I meant to ask T’Challa if you were going to bring Bucky but I had a million other things to plan with him so that kind of got forgotten… I know he’s still in cryo right now but T’Challa said it might not be for too much longer, I’ve offered to loan you guys my B.A.R.F. tech to help with whatever rehabilitation is necessary, I hope it helps. I don’t really have anything against Barnes at this point, it took a little while but, its really not his fault and I couldn’t hold it against him without feeling like a supremely shitty person. So yeah, I’m not really worried about seeing him, the only thing I’m concerned about is the political crap that comes with having him there but that’s also not his fault and we’re dealing with it.  
I’m glad the wedding is out of the way at least, it was fantastic but there was a lot of prep and stress and now I’ve only got really one major thing to focus on. I do have to do a little more work as well now that Pepper is on her honeymoon but I don’t mind that… speaking of though, I have a huge stack of papers to go through and sign before she gets back so I’m going to get to that.  
Tony

  


Rogers,  
I’ve had a migraine for four days and no it is not from lack of sleep. Ok, well, maybe a little bit but I’ve been getting around 6 hours a night which is a lot for me, and I’ve been drinking less coffee too, it’s terrible. Unfortunately, I can’t stop looking at screens which I know is making it worse but there’s so much work to be done and I can’t just stop. Hopefully it’ll get less painful soon so I can get my work done faster but I’m not really expecting it to. Writing like this isn’t doing wonders either so this is all you’re getting from me today.  
Tony

  


It’s cold when he steps off the plane, not freezing, not yet, but it’s brisk, and Tony finds himself breathing in deeply. It’s bracing he thinks, and it’s just what he needs to clear his head. The eight-hour flight had been full of worry, too much time to think, not enough to distract him. Luckily with it being a (mostly) private jet he was able to get some work done and pace down the length of the aircraft in relative peace. Relative because Rhodey and Natasha had come along, Natasha had shown up completely unannounced the day prior, had been sitting at the island finishing her reports when Tony had returned from a meeting at SI. He was proud to say he hadn’t been startled but he had been somewhat surprised, having assumed she’d just show up in Stockholm the day of the meeting.  
  
Tony yawns and briefly thinks he should’ve arrived the day prior but then again that would’ve just afforded him more time to worry in an empty room in a foreign government facility. Rhodey and Nat are behind him, talking quietly about one thing or another, Tony can’t bring himself to care enough to try to listen in, if it was important they’d tell him.  
  
It’s not too late in the day, everyone should be arriving soon but they have time to drop off their bags and rest for a little while before the meeting after dinner. Tony dumps his bags and falls over gently onto the bed, sighing as he settles, throwing an arm over his face. This meeting has been in the works for months but it still feels like its all happening too fast… and though he’s been writing (well sort of) to Steve for months he doesn’t have a goddamn clue what to say.  
  
There’s a soft knock on the door, Rhodey’s, and he lets himself in, coming to sit on the edge of the bed.  
  
“How’re you feeling?” Tony lets out a non-committal grunt and doesn’t move. “That good eh? I know it’s a lot to handle but you’ve been planning this for months, you know what you’re doing.”  
  
Tony lets his arm fall beside him, “Do I though? Do I really know? What if he does something I don’t expect, or says something I don’t expect and it all falls apart?”  
  
“Tones, I know how many contingency plans you’ve made, that’s not what you’re really worried about is it?” Rhodey’s tone is soft, not accusatory, but he’s not going to let it go, not like he has every other time they’ve had this conversation.  
  
“It is! I am worried, about that, I might also be worrying about other things but I am worried about something going wrong. I made a lot of plans but I can’t predict everything and things could go south fast.” Rhodey raises an eyebrow at that and Tony turns his gaze to the window, staring at the city beneath them. “What if- what if he still hates me, what if I still hate him?”  
  
“Neither of you ever hated each other, I don’t think you’re physically capable of that.”  
  
Tony glares at him but there’s no real heat in his gaze, “I resent that comment.”  
  
“You resent most of the things I say to you.” Rhodey stands up and moves towards the window, “What really matters is if you can forgive him, I don’t think anyone would blame you if you didn’t.”  
  
“I-I don’t know… I’ve been thinking about it, trying to talk through it for months, and in some ways I have forgiven him, but its only a version of him.” The room is quiet, silence hanging in the air. “I don’t know how I’ll react.” He’d played the scene out, dozens of times in his head, going through what he would say, it changed every time. At first he had thought he’d be calm, in control, angry but barely showing it, cold. That hadn’t lasted long.  
  
His watch beeps and Tony sits up and joins Rhodey at the window.  
  
“It’ll be okay Tony,” he says, resting his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I know you don’t think you’re good at ‘emotions’ and ‘talking and stuff’, but you’re a genius, you’ll figure it out.”  
  
Tony rolls his eyes at that but pulls Rhodey in for a hug anyways, “Thank you Rhodey, and thank you for coming… It, means a lot.”  
  
Rhodey grins and hugs him back, “I get to take a break from desk work and go on a free vacation, I’d be crazy to pass that up. Let’s go down to dinner, Natasha’s probably waiting for us already.”

  


Dinner is a quiet affair but not silent, both Nat and Rhodey are good at distracting Tony and they manage to drag him out of his whirlpool of anxiety for an hour. As they’re leaving the restaurant his phone lights up, “Looks like the gangs all here then. There’s going to be a short briefing about the plan for the weekend and then we’re left to our own devices for the rest of the evening.”  
  
Rhodey sighs and glances at Tony, “well I guess this is it then.”  
  
“Seems like it.”  
  
Nat and Rhodey share a look over Tony’s head and they catch a cab back to the facility instead of walking.

  


Like all the government facilities Tony has had the unfortunate pleasure of spending a great deal of time in, this one is lit with shitty fluorescent lights. Lights that he knows from years of experience make him look terrible and drawn and honestly, you’d think they could afford better lighting in here. These shitty lights however, do nothing to detract from the way Steve looks when Tony sees him for the first time in almost six months. Steve-Rogers, Tony tries and fails to mentally correct, is still unfairly beautiful, he looks tired, still strong and imposing, and all, leadery, but tired. He’s still trying to decide how he feels about the beard when Steve looks away from whoever he was having a conversation with, Tony honestly hadn’t bothered to look, and makes eye contact. Tony’s heart stutters for a second and he has to look away, shit, he thinks, this is not going how he planned.  
  
He can tell, even without looking that Steve is going to be trying to find a way out of the conversation he’s having, that he’s going to do it and apologize and walk over and Tony doesn’t know if he can handle that. Everything suddenly seems too bright and too loud and there’s too many people and oh god he can’t do this. His eyes scan the room frantically, searching for an exit, his eyes land on Steve again, he’s apologizing to- Lang he was talking to Lang, and Tony finally sees a door near him and practically runs out of the room, shutting it behind him.  
  
He’s in an empty hallway, the lights are off but there’s a window at the end and there’s just enough light to see. He’s probably not supposed to be here but that means there probably isn’t anyone else here and that’s what he needs. Tony leans against one of the walls heavily, slides down until he’s sitting on the floor and buries his head in his hands, trying to slow his breathing. He was really hoping this wouldn’t happen, he doesn’t even really know why he’s panicking, but there’s this tightness in his chest and his mind is whirling and he can barely think.  
  
He’s still got his head down when he hears the door to his left open and shut, he barely hears the footsteps and he briefly hopes its Nat but he knows its not. Steve doesn’t say anything, just sits down beside him, on his right, giving him access to the door, and Tony is stupidly grateful for that, that small kindness. He can hear Steve’s breathing, low and steady, and he tries to match it, tries to calm down. They sit like that for a while, just breathing, before Tony looks up. He avoids looking at Steve, would rather look at anything else because he knows what he’ll see if he turns his head and he doesn’t know if he’s quite ready for that.  
  
It’s Tony who speaks first, mainly because he knows Steve won’t. His throat is dry and the words don’t come out like he wants them to. “A beard huh?” It’s a shitty conversation starter as those go and they both know it, but it’s easier, easier than everything else that’s unspoken.  
  
Steve lets out a huff of air, sounding almost amused, “yeah, figured I might be cold in Wakanda.”  
  
Tony barks out a laugh despite himself, its harsh, almost broken. It goes quiet again after that, he’s not sure how long they sit there quietly, staring at everything else but each other. Eventually, Steve stands up, and offers a hand to Tony. “We should probably get back, I think they’re starting soon.” He’s asking a question, even if it’s not verbalized.  
  
“Ok.” He takes Steve’s hand, he answers the question. Steve’s smile is soft and hopeful, it reaches his eyes.

  


The rest of the day goes pretty smoothly as the UN moderators go through the plan for the weekend. They’ll spend Friday discussing how to proceed, what changes need to be made to the accords (there are a lot), who is going to be relocating and when, and what details are going to be revealed in the press release that comes out on Sunday. On Saturday there will be a (small) press conference and everyone will be packed up and shipped out by Sunday morning. Tony fidgets in his seat the whole time and tries not to look at his phone, it’s not that he’s bored, it’s just that he’s been planning this for months and he already knows every detail of this weekend by heart. Also Steve keeps looking at him and he keeps looking back.  
  
After the meeting is finally over Tony walks slowly back to his room, he’s not entirely sure what to do. Steve had gotten stuck back in the conference room, talking to Sam and Nat. He’s almost glad for it, it means he doesn’t have to figure out what to do just yet. He’s opening the door when he hears footsteps again, and he turns to look up at Steve, his arm partially outstretched, reaching. He lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and walks into the room, leaving the door open behind him.  
  
The room is nice, not luxurious, but Tony doesn’t mind, its better than he was expecting. He grabs a bottle of water and sits down in one of the chairs beside the small gas fireplace. The door closes behind Steve, he’s hovering there, unsure. He looks smaller than he ever has to Tony, none of his usual charm or confidence is there. Tony closes his eyes and waves him over gently, waiting until he hears him settle into the other chair before he says anything, but Steve speaks up first this time.  
  
“I’m- god Tony I’m so sorry,” he says, and his voice shakes, he’s looking down at his hands, looking completely lost.  
  
“I know,” and he finally looks at Steve, really looks at him, and Tony wants to reach out so badly, wants to wipe off the tear rolling down his face… He is utterly at sea here, in this room, with this man, he is so completely lost and he wants to go home more than anything, but home is here, was here, in this room and even though its right beside him it feels so far away.  
  
Tony doesn’t wipe off the tear but he does rest his hand on one of Steve’s, as gently as he knows how, and it’s the hardest thing he’s ever done, but it’s also the easiest.


	5. October, 2016 pt.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dawn of the second day of the anxiety conference. Will they actually talk to each other? Maybe! Will progress be made? Kinda! Are either of them good at this? Dear god no!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I don't have an excuse for how long this took but I hope you enjoy it anyways! I'm trying to write more lately but also uni just started back up so that's going to be most of my life.

Tony wakes up to a small amount of sunlight drifting in through the blinds in his room. It’s still so quiet, Steve had left late. They hadn’t said much, it had all been so overwhelming and clearly neither of them was quite prepared to have a proper conversation about everything that had happened. Honestly, he was kind of glad, he had given thought to the possibility that they would have an exhausting emotional conversation but the thought had pretty much just been ‘dear god I hope not’.  
  
It’s still quite early, Tony rarely sleeps much if he sleeps at all, and with a resigned sigh he shambles over to the hotel’s coffee maker. The coffee it makes isn’t great, some might consider it bad, but contrary to what is probably popular belief, Tony doesn’t care all that much about what type of coffee he drinks. Of course, the beans he usually buys are fairly high quality, but after years of drinking shitty burnt 3am coffee at MIT and whatever concoctions DUM-E handed him, all that matters is that the caffeine makes it into his system.  
  
Two hours into the meeting and already Tony is bored out of his mind. It’s the same bureaucratic bullshit as usual, all the minute taking and the dry documents and the shitty refreshments… Luckily, he has plenty practice and a fantastic fake smile, it also doesn’t hurt that he’s been planning this for months so he doesn’t have to pay as much attention as some of the others. He can tell Steve is starting to get antsy, despite his discipline the meetings are incredibly tedious and it’s difficult not to get fidgety. Tony watches Steve’s jaw twitch and is silently glad that they’re taking a break soon. He knows this weekend is really important to Steve, to all of them, and he wouldn’t even dream of doing anything disrespectful, but the man doesn’t like sitting still. Somehow that never applied to the damn team briefings but it seems it still applies here. Although they’re sitting halfway across the room from each other, part of Tony wants to reach out to him, take his hand and help him relax. Another part of him wants to stand up and run away from this whole conference as fast as he can. He does neither. They break a little later and Steve stalks out of the room as subtly as he can. Tony pauses for a second before sighing and quietly following him out of the room. Steve is sitting in a small courtyard, staring at his hands, Tony watches him for a moment, not quite sure of himself, and sits down beside him on the cold stone bench.  
  
“You holding up okay? You were kinda agitated back there.” Steve looks up rather quickly at that, almost as if he hadn’t noticed Tony sitting down beside him.  
  
“Yeah, I-yeah I’m okay.” He says haltingly and Tony scoffs a little.  
  
“I’m gonna go ahead and call bullshit on that one Rogers, you look like you’re a million miles away right now.” Steve fidgets awkwardly and looks back down at his hands.  
  
“I know how important this is and I don’t want to screw it up, but I hate having to talk about what happened over and over again..."  
  
“It sucks, that’s for damn sure. But we’re basically rewriting the accords here so we’ve gotta talk about what went wrong and why they sucked and why people hated them.” Steve hums noncommittally and doesn’t look up. “Look, I hate it too but its only for this weekend and then we don’t have to ever talk about it again if we don’t want to. We’ll do the press conference and then tell anyone who asks us after that to fuck right off. We just have to make it through this.” He tries to smile at Steve and mostly manages it, it feels mostly genuine which is probably a surprise to both of them.  
  
“Thank you Tony.” Steve stands up, lets out a long breath, and squares his shoulders. He turns back to Tony and offers his hand again. He takes it.  
  
The meetings go on much the same as before, changes are made, whole sections are thrown out, but Tony is sitting beside Steve now and that helps. Natasha gives him a look when he sits down beside him but he just shakes his head imperceptibly and mouths “later”. Rhodey just rolls his eyes. Now whenever Steve starts getting too jittery Tony can make a dumb comment about one of the advisors or other Avengers, and whenever Tony starts to get anxious or bored Steve can pass him little notes and drawings. It’s familiar, and Tony can feel everyone around them relax just a little. He supposes they didn’t really know how they’d both react when they saw each other again, even Tony hadn’t known. But this, this is something they used to do during Fury’s meetings before SHEILD shut down and during briefings after that. It makes him think that this just might work.  
  
It's dark out when they file out of the conference room, the whole thing had gone on a bit longer than expected but they'd managed to finish what they started. There's a palpable sense of relief in the air, this thing that had been a dark cloud over their heads for so long was finally lifted. The document they had now wasn't perfect but it was as close as something like that was ever going to reasonably get, everyone seemed at least moderately pleased as well and if that isn't a relief Tony doesn't know what is. He heads back to his room, parting ways with Steve as their paths diverge, they don't say anything, they just nod, and Tony is grateful for that. He's not entirely sure how to process what's happened this weekend but talking probably isn't it. There is however, a pad of paper on the desk in his room and, hey, that's not a terrible idea.

  


Steve,  
This weekend has been, eye opening, to say the least. I'm not quite sure what I expected to happen, I don't think I really expected anything, I expected to be angrier at you that's for sure. I don't know why I'm not. Maybe because I've already forgiven you, or at least I think I have, I think that's what this is. I think that when I saw you I knew I had to. I'm a lot more emotional than I expected. I didn't think, I didn't think it would be like this. After everything, after all this, I still know you... and I don't, I don't know if that's a good thing. I feel like it is, it feels good. I didn't expect that. I thought it'd be hard, I thought it'd be hard to be in a room with you and be near you and see you and it was... It was, but then you gave me your hand and it's not anymore. You're still there, just like you've always been, and I'm still here and I still love you still care about you Ugh. I can't word this properly. It doesn't really matter if no one's going to see it but I hate not being able to get the words out. I know how to write well, I have PhDs, they make you write for those. Whatever. This government pen is also shitty I hope you know that, so is this paper. They're not spending the big bucks here that's for sure, the room's not bad though. I've slept in worse, but worse could also mean a cave in Afghanistan so the bar isn't that high.  
  
You know ever since then I've had trouble sleeping in good beds? They feel wrong, too soft, I feel like if I fell asleep in them I'd have a hard time waking up and that's dangerous. When I got out I was looking forward to finally sleeping in my bed again but I ended up having to sleep on the floor for a week until I got a new mattress. Things are never the same when you come home, no matter how much you want them to be.  
  
I might've gotten off topic.  
  
Nat and Rhodey have been helping although I still feel guilty for letting them. They have their own lives and their own problems and they shouldn't have to worry about me. I am grateful though, they don't put up with my bullshit and sometimes that's what I need. Hopefully things will calm down after this weekend, although, I'm not sure where you're planning on going, hopefully not all the way back to Wakanda... I don't expect you to come back to New York or anything... It would, it would be nice to see you though... I don't know. God I'm shit at this.  
  
Part of me is really looking forward to this being over but part of me doesn't want to go home, this place feels like its outside of time, outside of consequences. If we leave we have to face reality.  
  
I'll talk to you for real tomorrow I guess.  
Tony


	6. October 2016 pt. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conference is wrapping up and everyone's heading home, where is home though? Steve and Tony continue to be absolutely terrible at talking to each other like normal human beings but they muddle through in the end.

The morning starts out okay, he’s actually gotten an alright sleep and wakes up at a more reasonable hour than the previous night. There’s gentle light filtering through the windows and Tony takes a deep breath and stands up. Then the coffee maker in his room decides to destroy itself in some fit of pique and although he could probably (definitely) fix it, it’s 7:00 AM and he has no tools with him. Plus, he really just wants some coffee. Luckily, he has a vague memory of the room allocations and he knows this whole hallway of the facility had been claimed for the meetings so it’s likely that he’ll be able to bother someone nearby and grab a cup so he can actually wake up. The first door he tries yields no results, neither does the second, the third one does. Tony curses whatever deity has it out for him this morning when Steve opens the door, he’s clearly just gotten back from a morning run. They both stare at each other awkwardly for a moment before Tony gestures vaguely with his empty mug. Steve stares at him for another moment, seemingly unable to speak and wordlessly opens his door all the way to let Tony in.  Tony shuffles over to the coffee maker and begins fiddling with it.

“I’m just, gonna,” Steve gestures awkwardly towards the bathroom.  
  
Tony just hums noncommittally and continues making his coffee. Steve showers quickly, he almost always does so that’s nothing new although it is something Tony forgets in his pre-coffee state. The door to the bathroom opens as Tony pours his coffee very well nearly all over his hand. Steve has clearly forgotten to bring clothing with him into the bathroom and as such walks out in a towel. It isn’t like Tony has never seen Steve less than fully clothed before, it’s just well… it’s been a while that’s all and his reaction is perfectly natural thank you very much.

“Uh, thank you for the uh,” Tony raises his mug again.

“Yeah, yes, sure, no problem.” Steve says as Tony flees the room, cursing his fate.

Tony runs through the interaction again during the press conference, it hadn’t been terrible he thinks, part of it had been almost pleasant, but it had also been incredibly awkward and Steve hasn’t looked at him all morning. He groans internally and resolves to put it out of his mind, he’s done more embarrassing things in his life for sure, it’s not like Steve’s never seen him half-awake and it’s not like he’s never seen Steve half-naked but it feels far too domestic, far too much like what they used to have and Tony’s not quite sure how he feels about that.

At least the press conference is going smoothly, no one has asked any ridiculous or upsetting questions and everyone’s being polite which is a small miracle honestly. Clearly someone arranged for the reasonable reporters, maybe Pepper, whoever did is going to get a massive bouquet of flowers. As soon as he has the thought Tony regrets it, because it seems fate really has it out for him this morning.

“Captain Rogers!” Calls a reporter.

Oh god, thinks Tony, they didn’t get all of them.

“Can you explain how it is exactly you managed to receive a pardon when you so clearly acted against the wishes of the common public?” He’s young, Tony thinks, and he’s clearly just trying to antagonize everyone, thank god, that makes this a lot easier. Steve keeps his expression carefully neutral, as he starts to open his mouth Tony leans forward towards his mic.

“I know you addressed this to the captain but I’m sure he won’t mind if I steal it away?” He barely needs to glance at Steve to know he’s pulling back and nodding, not sure whether to be relieved yet. “As all of you here are likely aware, Captain Rogers and the rest of his team were pardoned by the UN earlier this fall and a statement was published in their official records. Which are of course, available to the public. I’m sure you’ll find a sufficiently detailed answer to your question there, as the UN were the ones who ultimately made the decision and Captain Rogers was not exactly in the room to comment.” One side of Steve’s mouth very quickly quirks up and Tony leans back, much better. Honestly though, asking about something that the media had already gotten wind of and analyzed half to death? It was clearly a ploy to try and wind Steve up, luckily it was a terrible one.

The rest of the press conference goes pretty well, the younger reporter asks no more questions. Everyone seems pretty satisfied with the outcome of what was worked out over the weekend and they managed to outline and explain all of the agreements pretty well. Tony is almost pleased as they leave the room, filing out the door. It’ll be a relief to finally have this over and done with, one less giant worry to keep him up at night, lord knows he has enough of those already. He shakes hands with everyone and makes sure they all tell him where they’ll be ending up. A pleasing number will be returning to the U.S., a few even to New York. He’s not sure if he can convince Bruce and Nat to come back to the tower but he leaves the option open and he hopes they’ll take him up on it. The place is so empty when it’s mostly just him and he’d like them all to have a nice home base if they want it. Thor’s not back from Asgard yet and Clint is in the wind and he’d like to have as much of the original team back home as possible. They were family, once, he hopes they still are. The Avengers as a concept are slowly gaining traction again and although he can’t be sure it’ll work out, he desperately wants it to, a fact he will admit to absolutely no one.

All the new Avengers have been extended the offer as well, but most of them have elected to spend their time at the compound instead. He knows in some ways it’d be better to have everyone in the same spot but honestly, he spent very little time there, and its better not to have all your eggs in one basket or whatever. If he’s honest with himself it’s mostly because he finds the whole place just a bit too clinical, and after everything that’s happened it brings back too many bad memories. He’d much rather be in his actual home with the people he cares about most in the world. Although he still can’t convince Rhodey to move in, he’ll get him one day. T’Challa is going back home to run his country as expected, Bucky is still there as well, it wouldn’t be wise for him to leave while he’s still going through the rehabilitation process. Steve, well, Tony’s not sure where Steve is going or where he’s currently gone. As soon as the conference disperses Tony loses track of him, it’s a little disappointing but he can understand.

He heads back to his room running his hands through his hair, he’s tired, relieved, but tired. Hopefully he can actually get some sleep before his flight tomorrow morning. He’s packing up his stuff when he hears a knock on the door. When he opens it Steve is standing there, looking down at his feet quickly.

“Alright, come in.” Tony returns to packing and Steve shuts the door behind him. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to, uh, let you know about, where I’m going after this.” He’s fidgeting uncomfortably.

“Oh?” Tony says quietly, he doesn’t seem to remember any other words.

“Bucky’s rehab is almost done so I’m going to stay in Wakanda for another week or two but I was planning on, well more hoping to, come back to New York?” It comes out as more of a question than a statement.

“Oh,” Yup he doesn’t know any other words.

“I still have, well, I have a place back in Brooklyn that they gave me a few years back. So I’ll be out of your hair, I won’t bother you at all so there’s no need to worry about that.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Steve’s face falls.

“Oh… well, I can, I can go to DC if you’d like I jus-”

“NO, I mean, no, you shouldn’t stay in Brooklyn. You’ve got a perfectly good room waiting for you, I mean, if, if you want it that is. At the tower.” There’s a dawning realization on his face and Tony has to look away, they were never good at keeping up their poker faces around each other. “It’s pretty empty with everyone gone and well, I’m trying to get everyone to come back. Plus its better, strategically if we’re not all in the same place, probably. Sam and the rest of kids are going to be sort of based out of the compound.”

“Well, alright then, I guess I’ll see you then?” The smile on his face is so soft and so fragile Tony thinks he could shatter it easily. But he won’t, he doesn’t want to, it’s beautiful.

“Yeah, I’ll see you then, soon.” Steve nods and makes his way back out of the room. The door clicks shut and Tony sits down on the bed heavily, staring down at his hands. Well, that sure just happened. God they’re both utter disasters aren’t they. His thoughts are a mess and he turns towards the desk, well it couldn’t hurt.

 

Steve,

This weekend has been a lot to handle… I’m glad it all happened but I’m gonna need to go home and hole myself up in the workshop for about a week. Except I can’t because everyone’s coming back and I need to make arrangements. It won’t be too much work though; your rooms are all pretty much how you left them before people started moving out to the compound. I’ll have to get personal effects moved back to the tower. In some ways I feel a little guilty that I don’t want to go back there, it took a while to get that place up and running and I designed it pretty well if I do say so myself. I don’t know though, I never really lived there and it’s not like its going to be empty. All the new blood, Rhodey says he might be moving out there to help out but I don’t know how much of that he said to spite me since he keeps turning down my invitations to the tower. I think it’d be good for him though as much as I would like him closer. He’s good with the kids and they respect him pretty well, they need someone a little more mature to help out and keep things together. No Sam and Bucky do not count.

I’m not sure how I feel about you moving in, I know I said you could, and I meant that, but part of me thinks I’m being too hasty… but only part of me. I thought I’d be more angry at you, or at least more upset? I don’t know… all of today just felt, so familiar and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t missed it. Missed having you around… It won’t be okay right away, it still isn’t okay now but I think, I think I trust you. I’ve had all this time to think and write and I was so worried it’d all fall apart when I saw you. I mean I did freak out a bit at first but… after that first day, it was just such a relief to not be upset. Its so exhausting to be upset. I think you already know I forgive you… and that I’m sorry for what I did as well. I don’t know if either of us will be able to move on right away, and I think that’s okay, but I know I’m doing a lot better than I was a few months ago and I’ll take what I can get.

I missed your smile.

I’m glad you’re here,

Tony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so school kicked my ass a lot harder than I thought it would this semester, thank god for winter holidays. I've actually written ahead a bit so I might be able to get another update out before school starts back up. Also this chapter is the proper length, yay! Hope you enjoyed!  
> To apologize for the time it took to post this, please enjoy a very small excerpt from what I've written ahead! See you soon, hopefully!
> 
> “I’m not answering that.” Tony thinks he might have to sit down, suddenly he is sitting down, sort of. He’s down at any rate, or not, because Steve catches him before he hits the floor and half carries him over to the couch. That’s going to have to be recovered again he thinks and laughs a little, ahh shit Steve is giving him another look this isn’t going to work is it. “Okay, fine but not all of it and I’m not talking about this right now, ask me when I’m not bleeding.”


	7. October 2016 pt. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's still October, the boy is back in town, feelings are conflicting. I too use loud music to avoid having feelings.

Steve,

I am jetlagged as hell, it never used to be this bad, but I guess it’s worse as you get older… I’m glad to be home. Rhodey’s staying with me for a day or two, ostensibly so he can check out the compound and make sure things are in order since neither of us have been there for a while. We both know that’s a bullshit excuse though, he’s mostly here to make sure I’m alright, and make sure I’m eating which is annoying. I am actually mostly okay though, he worries too much, I appreciate it though… I should check out his armor while he’s here, he hasn’t brought it in in agesss. Probably because I take it apart every time and stall putting it back together so he can’t leave so fast. If I really needed to I could reassemble the whole thing in like 2 hours? Maybe less. I just want to spend some time with him, we don’t get to hang out as much as I’d like but I’m hoping that’ll change if he does move into the compound.

I should actually go over his armor though, the Mark III is pretty good but it could always be improved… I should make him a new one, I have some ideas to make the missile launchers better and a better back up system. I installed one right after, right after the airport. I wasn’t sure if he’d ever want to use it again after that but, well he’s as stubborn as I am. I have a lot of ideas for backup power though and it’d be easier to just make a whole new suit. I mean it kind of wouldn’t be but it’d be way more fun and he deserves a new one.

Wow I got off topic.

So, anyways, I got your room set up again. I didn’t want the staff to do it, they don’t know where things are supposed to go. I mean JARVIS could’ve told them but they’re never on our floors anyways, they also have more than enough work to do cleaning up the labs in R&D. I should probably give Riley a raise, I think he’s due for one soon anyway and I honestly have no idea how he got those scorch marks out. Plus, his daughter is starting to apply for college. I need to go over accounts before December. I know I have people for that and I’m not CEO anymore, but I still like to go through it myself and Pepper indulges me bless her.

What time is it? I should sleep, or start working on that armor… Ugh okay okay, Rhodey’s standing outside the door and giving me a look. Sleep then, I’ll start on it tomorrow, I wonder if I can do something about the power drain from the chest repuls-

 

Steve,

Rhodey dragged me out of the workshop. I’m working on his armor today, I honestly would rather he not ever use it again after what happened. At least not, in defense of me or to help me... but I know he’ll get back in the game as soon as he can. It’s hard to give the suit up, believe me I, I’ve tried. Although I can’t because I can’t even consider not doing anything when things happen. I have to do something, I have to keep going. The least I can do is give him a good suit, a safer one.

I have so much to say to you and I need to get it all out before I see you again. I’m not sure if that makes any sense.  It didn’t make a ton of sense to me and I’m the one saying it. Thinking it? Writing it? Whatever, my point is, I’m maybe a little stressed, about you coming back. The conference was intense to put it mildly. I don’t know how okay I actually am with this but I guess we’re going to have to find out. I keep feeling like I need to do more before you get here but I don’t think there’s really anything else to do? I’m going to have to end up trying to distract myself for 2 weeks aren’t I? Ugh. You’re making my life very confusing right now and I hope you know that.

I wish I was more okay with all of this, I also wish I was less okay with it. Instead I’m stuck inside some sort of limbo where I miss you but you also feature prominently in my nightmares and I don’t know how to deal with that. How do I deal with the fact that I still care about you when I can’t look at myself without thinking about what you did?

I know you’re sorry, and that it went farther than either of us meant for it to. But I don’t know if that’s enough yet. I forgive you but I don’t know if I can live with you.

Hopefully I can or this is going to be really awkward and terrible. I wish you would’ve given me an actual date when you were coming back, waiting like this is agonizing. At any rate I should get back to work, there’s a lot to do.

Tony

 

Steve,

Nat appeared this morning, found her eating ice cream on the counter at like 3am. I’m proud to say that it did Not scare the shit out of me, which might have been partially because it was 3am and I’d been awake for, a while but still. I’m glad she’s back, and I’m glad its not awkward around her. It feels like it should be but she’s already apologized, not that she had really much to apologize for, and I’ve apologized and we’re okay, we’re good. That’s 2/6 but I doubt Thor will be back for a long time so I’ll settle for 5 if I have to. Bruce probably won’t come for a while, if he does at all, he didn’t have any part in this whole mess but I think he’s trying to avoid stepping on toes. It was pretty tense here for a while so I don’t blame him. Lord only knows where Clint is but I extended the invitation anyways. It’s still quiet but Rhodey’ll be here until around when you come back and now that Nat’s here… I don’t know, it all feels a bit easier. I’ve known her for longer than the rest of you, even if part of that was while she was undercover and we’ve always worked well together. She doesn’t put up with my bullshit and for some reason she actually seems to like me most of the time. It feels like, with her here, like maybe it could all work out, who knows. At the very least I think we should try. We can't go back to the way things were before, I know that, that's not what I'm trying to do. Well it kind of was at first but it's not anymore. I just want things to be okay, I want ~~my family~~ ~~the people I care about~~ my friends around me, I think I'm allowed to want that. 

Tony

 

Steve comes back to New York early. Tony gets a text that he’s about to leave Wakanda and does not spend the rest of the morning freaking out thank you very much. He worries for longer than he’d like to admit about whether or not he should go to the airport, and although Steve isn’t due to arrive till around 5pm, he drives himself to the airport for 3. The excuse he uses in his head is that he’s feeling claustrophobic in the tower, the real reason is that he’s far too anxious to wait any longer and as much as he refuses to admit it to himself, he wants to see Steve as soon as possible and before anyone else. He considers waiting in the car briefly but gives up on that rather quickly once he realizes how poor the signal is in the parking garage. He opts instead to sit in one of the terrible airport cafes and pokes at his phone anxiously, barely drinking the coffee he bought. He has a spot where he can see the arrivals board clearly, Steve’s flight isn’t actually on there, he’s coming in privately and Tony will get a call when he lands, but for some reason he feels as though he needs to keep checking it.

It’s quarter to 5 when his phone rings, Steve will be heading into the arrivals area in a few minutes. He heads over to the edge of baggage claim, throwing away his half empty coffee cup and brushing off his suit nervously. Damn he really needs to get a handle on those tics, he’s in public this is just silly. It feels like an eternity before he sees Steve, he always stands out in a crowd even without the uniform, oh huh the beard’s gone, Tony is good with that, it’s nice to see his face properl- and that train of thought is abruptly shut down. It’s only a moment later that Steve sees him, his face shifting almost imperceptibly from a polite but neutral expression to a faint smile, his lips twitching upwards as he gives Tony a nod. Tony realizes he’s smiling far too late after it happens and just lets it be.

“Hey Tony.”

“Hi Steve, ready to blow this popsicle stand?”

“Just about,” he laughs a little.

Steve’s bag is quite small and Tony frowns at that before he remembers how much of his stuff was left behind at the compound. Still, there isn’t much back at the tower now either, he’s gonna need some more clothes. Steve has never really liked having lots of stuff, Tony knows that, but it still feels wrong that he’s only got what, 10 shirts? That however is a problem for later, the current problem is that he and Steve are quite close together as they walk out of the airport, a little too close for Tony’s liking actually. He doesn’t want to move away though, doesn’t want to make him feel bad so he’s just going to have to put up with it until they get to the car. The walk is almost agonizing, its not long, he got a good parking spot, but they don’t say much, Steve politely asks after Pepper and Rhodey and Happy, and Tony responds equally politely. It’s awkward. Now that they’ve gotten the apologies out of the way neither of them is quite sure what to do around the other. Tony’s heart rate is far higher than it has any right to be by the time they get to the car and he’s fairly certain that its loud enough for Steve to hear. It’s a bit better once he gets into the driver’s seat but he can still hear the blood rushing in his ears. Probably not a great state to be driving in but he’s done it before. Luckily Steve hasn’t notice, or if he has he’s being much too polite to say anything. Tony’s not sure why this is so different from the conference, why everything feels so loud and bright and fragile. The part of his brain with any common sense left, which sounds remarkably like his therapist, reminds him that he is in fact letting Steve back into his home and how that is an extremely big deal. The rest of his brain, which unfortunately sounds just like him, says that’s stupid. He’s got himself slightly more under control when they arrive at the tower, the cool fall air helping to soothe his nerves slightly. They’re standing in the elevator when someone finally speaks again.

“Is anyone else here yet?” Steve’s voice snaps him out of his racing thoughts.

“Oh, Uh- Nat got in around a week ago and Rhodey’s staying for a few more days. I don’t think anyone else will be here for a while, although I half expect Clint to break through one of my windows any day now.” Steve chuckles and pauses for a moment, thinking.

“If you don’t want, if you don’t want me to stay here it’s alright you know.” His voice is quiet, and sincere, although Tony knows thinks that it would not in fact be alright. He thinks that Steve would go back to his very tiny sad apartment in Brooklyn that he’d only ever lived in for a week before the tower. He thinks that Steve would be alone, and he thinks that Steve thinks he could handle it, and he could, handle it. But handling it is not the same thing as being alright, and Tony can’t do that to him. Doesn’t want to even though part of him is screaming that this cannot happen, that it’s not okay. But it will be, Tony will handle it.

“Well I’m not letting you go back to that apartment, you’ll break a hip or something and I’ll have to get you Life Alert. Your room is already set up anyways, it’d be a waste.” Both of them know Tony is deflecting but too bad, that’s what he does best, he’ll deflect all conversations about his feelings and then one day he’ll die and he won’t have to worry about it anymore. The elevator door opens, mercifully bringing the conversation to an end. “I don’t think I have to give you the grand tour, oh aside from the fact that JARVIS is back. Say hi J.”

“Hello Captain Rogers, it’s a pleasure to have you back.” Tony’s not entirely sure if JARVIS is telling the truth, he didn’t seem entirely thrilled when Tony let him know but unfortunately for him Tony is the one who gets to give out invites. Not that JARVIS couldn’t just lock anyone out but he wouldn’t do that, probably.

“Good to be back JARVIS, glad to see you back up and running as well.” Steve again, does sound completely sincere, and Tony does believe him. It had been a huge amount of effort to get him back up and running, he’d also had to ask Vision for permission and help. To be fair that’s probably part of why Vision didn’t want to come to the tower, FRIDAY being the one running the compound. It wasn’t as weird as he’d thought it might be, but Vision isn’t JARVIS, Tony never saw him that way. He’d really missed having him around. At any rate he’d gotten him code as close as he could to what it was before everything happened, it had taken him a while to recover even so. What made him JARVIS wasn’t just code, but every day he seemed a little more like himself, and that was a comfort. He hadn’t been thrilled to find out what he’d missed though, if an AI could be disappointed, and honestly JARVIS probably could be so that’s probably what he had been. He seemed to still be quite disappointed and/or angry at Steve, but that would probably change with time.

“You haven’t changed much huh?” He’s looking around the living area and smiling a little bit, he’s right in a way, not much has changed in the tower, he barely touched the living areas after they all moved to the compound, it felt wrong to. He’d lived there occasionally when it was more convenient, it was always the place that felt the most like home. He however, had changed, and suddenly he doesn’t like the way Steve is smiling right now and suddenly he really has to go. Tony silently taps the back of his phone through his pocket.

“I left it mostly as it was yes, too much of a hassle to redecorate. I should actually let you know that some of the lower levels have changed a bit, damages and what have you. JARVIS can fill you in on anything you need to know.” His phone rings, perfect timing, he pulls it out to look at it with a sigh, “I’ve really got to take this but feel free to make yourself at home, Nat and Rhodey are around somewhere.” Steve just nods, still looking around, as Tony gesticulates. He takes that moment to make his rather swift exit, down the hall, to the team elevator, workshop level, lock the door, darken glass, music, loud.

He buries himself in maintenance and does not think, he will not think.

Its quite a while later when he comes out of his daze, rubbing his face with his hands, predictably getting grease all over himself. The music was lowered to a more reasonable volume at some point while he was working, JARVIS likes to do that to ‘Preserve his hearing’.

“Hey J what time is it?” His voice cracks slightly, ugh he needs some water.

“It is 1:17 AM sir.” He can almost hear the judgement, and the sympathy. He’s going to pretend he can’t. “If I may sir, something was left outside for you. I told them you were not to be disturbed.”

“Thank you.”

There’s a plate of food outside the door with a note, ‘Nat made dinner, figured you’d probably be hungry.’ It’s not signed but it’s in Steve’s handwriting, and even if it wasn’t, he’d know who did it. Not that no one else ever brought him food but, Steve was the only one who ever did, and also the one who wasn’t always let in. Rhodey tended to bring more sandwiches or pizza, things Tony could eat when distracted, and JARVIS always let him in. Pepper usually dragged him out instead. He brings the plate in and closes the door, staring at it. Nat made it, which means it will be pretty good, she’s an efficient cook.

He doesn’t want to eat it. He takes two bites before placing it in the minifridge. The note, the note he almost throws away. He doesn’t want it, doesn’t want this yet, can’t handle it yet. He can’t throw it away so he puts it in a drawer instead, out of sight, out of mind, hopefully. He’s yawning then, it’s getting late and he probably shouldn’t get back to work or he won’t sleep at all. JARVIS turns out the lights upon his request and he goes to lie down on the couch. Going back upstairs means he might see someone however unlikely that may be, and he’s not really interested in speaking to or existing around anyone for at least a little while.

So he closes his eyes and dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks! Sorry for the wait, this semester has somehow managed to be more stressful than the last. They're really outdoing themselves here. This chapter is however longer than usual so I hope that makes up for it! I also think this is going to be a lot longer than I initially planned but I'm okay with that. Not sure exactly when the next update will be but I only have a month and a bit left of school so ideally when that's over I'll have more time to write!
> 
> Extra details: Dates for the letters are October 17th, 18th, and 21st. Steve arrives on the 25th which means October is almost over, I think this is the longest month in the world. Nat made a salad with roasted chickpeas and grilled chicken, it's probably not going to be as good tomorrow he really should've just eaten it.


	8. October 2016 pt.5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh thank god October is finally over. We've made progress! Yay communication!

He doesn’t sleep for long.

He wakes, scrabbling for purchase on the couch as he hauls himself up, his breathing shallow. He can still feel the cold air in his lungs and he can’t breathe and he can’t think oh god- and then Rhodey is there, sitting in front of him, telling him to breathe, and the room comes back into focus slowly. DUM-E is beside him with a glass of water, gently bumping his leg, Rhodey has his hands on Tony’s shoulders, his brow furrowed in concern.

“Tony, hey, Tones, you with me?” Tony nods slightly and Rhodey takes the glass from DUM-E’s arm, patting him on the head and pushing it gently into Tony’s hands. He sounds upset and Tony instantly feels guilty, lord only knows what time it is… Tony’s probably gone and woken him up with some stupid shit. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, Rhodey knows him far too well and has already figured out what Tony’s about to say before he speaks. “It’s 4:22 AM, JARVIS asked me if I could come help you out because you weren’t responding to him.” Tony groans inwardly at that, or apparently outwardly because Rhodey frowns. “None of that, this is literally why I’m here. I told you if you need anything now that he’s back to call me. There’s absolutely no reason you need to be doing this alone. Besides, you’d do the same for me.” Rhodey’s right, obviously. He usually is. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

Tony’s mouth feels dry and his voice is hoarse when he speaks. “Yes, yeah. It’s fine, I’ll be fine. It’s just, it’s just gonna take some getting used to is all.” Rhodey continues to frown.

“If you need me to send him packing just tell me, Pepper and I will be here to haul his ass out of the house before he can get a word in edgewise.”

“I have a feeling he’d let you.” Tony lets his head fall forward onto Rhodey’s shoulder, breathing easier now. “really it’s okay, it’s only the first day and it’s not like I don’t get nightmares all the time anyways.”

“Ans I’m supposed to find that comforting how?” Tony can feel his head turning to give him a Look which he elects to ignore.

“Because you already know about those,” he mumbles into Rhodey’s shoulder.

“Doesn’t mean I don’t worry about them. Do you think you’re okay to go back to sleep?” Tony makes a non-committal grunt. “Okay, I’m assuming going upstairs is a no-go then?”

“Probably.”

“Okay I’m gonna put a movie on for a bit then, I’m thinking Little Mermaid.”

“What year is- oh my god that’s an awful joke you’re awful.” Tony sits up to glare but it doesn’t last very long because Rhodey is making some stupid face and he has to laugh a little at that.

Rhodey ends up asking JARVIS to put on Fantasia instead, it’s a safe choice. Light enough and familiar enough that Tony ends up falling asleep less than ten minutes in, half sprawled on Rhodey, the dim light from the screen barely lighting up the room. It’s a much more restful sleep than his earlier attempt. Rhodey stays for the rest of the night and Tony only wakes up when he has to leave in the morning. It kind of sucks to be alone again but he’s grateful for last night so he waves goodbye, and mumbles something to that effect before he falls back asleep.

When he wakes up for the last time it’s properly morning. He checks the time, 9:37, Rhodey left around 8. He realizes very quickly there’s no coffee in his workshop and briefly laments his fate before shuffling upstairs to the kitchen. He knows he probably looks like a mess but there’s no one here who hasn’t seen him like this before, even if it has been a while, so they can deal with it. He’s staring at the coffee maker, willing it to go faster with his mind when Steve enters the kitchen. Tony doesn’t even notice he’s there until he brushes by, just barely touching Tony’s back. He freezes instantly, almost drops the mug he’s holding. Steve mercifully doesn’t notice, but Tony doesn’t stop to check. It’s not like he hasn’t touched Steve since, but he’s always initiated the contact. With what happened last night, this is really not great timing. His coffee isn’t done yet so he stands there, counting the seconds, and trying to breathe evenly.

As soon as it’s done, he walks deliberately out of the kitchen, not even sparing a nod for Steve. Hopefully he’ll just assume Tony is on one of his working binges and that he didn’t notice him coming in. God this really can’t keep happening, he needs to pull himself together. It’s just fucking Steve, they’d lived together for years, why can’t he just get over this tiny little thing. He’s been almost killed a million times why is this different? (He knows why its different, of course he does, but it shouldn’t be, its not like he hasn’t been betrayed before, never by someone he was- never mind.) He should be able to handle this, but he can’t, not today at least, so he’s going to work. Maybe if he doesn’t sleep it’ll be better, easier. At least he won’t dream.

 

 

The next time Tony reappears in the land of the living, Clint is sitting on the couch. He’s eating some horrifically sugary cereal and watching some hospital drama on TV. Tony is honestly not surprised, even with it being almost nine at night.

“JARVIS I can’t believe we’re letting in strays now. He’s going to make a mess on the carpet,” Tony says even as he falls into the love-seat beside the couch.

Clint gestures at him with his spoon and responds through a mouthful of cereal “Look who’s talking, you look like an anthropomorphised raccoon.”

“You disgust me Barton.” Clint attempts to retort but instead chokes on said mouthful. Nat, having somehow entered the room at this point, whacks him on the back. Cereal gets on the floor and Tony looks at it in horror. “What did I literally just say. This house is a nightmare, I can’t believe I don’t make you people pay rent.”

“I’m far too pretty to pay rent!” Clint says, all mock offended. Tony just closes his eyes, sighs heavily, and lets his head fall back onto the back of the love seat. It’s good to have more people back, even if people means Clint. Bruce has hinted that he might be back before the end of November which is good to hear. It’s also good to hear he’s alive and alright. Tony worries, possibly too much, about the team when they’re away. Huh, so they’re a team again, that’s a though. Not one that’s going to be examined any time soon though, he files it away for another day, or not.

He opens his eyes again; Nat and Clint are bickering over space on the couch and he feels something warm in his chest. He really did miss these ridiculous people he calls friends. “What are we even watching, this looks inaccurate and terrible.”

Clint shoves back at Nat, not even looking at Tony, “No idea, it was just on, lot of hot doctors though.” At this point he turns to wink and is immediately kicked hard in the ribs. Nat gains supremacy over the couch (as per usual) and rests her feet on Clint’s lap, stretching out.

“We should watch a movie or something,” she says, grabbing the remote, “what are we in the mood for?”

“Anything but this please.” Tony’s not picky at this point, he’s far too tired to really care and Nat and Clint will bicker about the movie choice for another ten minutes anyways. By the end of it they can’t decide on a movie so they and up watching Antiques Roadshow, Nat spotting fakes before the experts call it and Clint pointing out all the weird hats in the background. Tony falls asleep slowly smiling a little as his eyes close, and he drifts away, feeling at home for the first time in a long time.

It’s a bit later when he wakes up, the show is still playing but it’s not the same episode. Clint and Natasha have fallen asleep half on top of each other and there’s a blanket lightly covering them now. Come to think of it there’s one covering him too. He looks down in mild sleepy confusion and then looks back towards the hallway where he can see Steve’s quietly retreating form. Tony opens his mouth to call him back but stops. Not today. But he thanks him silently and feels a little better as he falls back asleep.

 

 

Tony’s not sure why he asked Steve to spar with him the next morning, maybe he’s a masochist, maybe he’s bored, lonely, any number of adjectives. It could also be because it’s something he missed and who knows maybe it’ll fix things. Maybe if he keeps acting like it’s the past it’ll come true, everything will be back to normal and he won’t have to feel like he has a gaping hole in his chest, maybe he’ll be able to breathe.

The moment Steve enters the gym Tony regrets his life choices. For one, he looks stupidly attractive, and that is truly uncalled for. He only lets that thought rest in his mind for a fraction of a second before it’s banished into the void. Tony Stark however, is not a quitter, and he’s going to do this and it’s going to be fun and it’s going to be relaxing and his brain really needs to shut up now.

Tony doesn’t even register being on the floor until it happens, one minute he’s staring, steely-eyed at Steve, trying to find an opening, and the next he’s on the ground. What he does register is that Steve is looming over him, a hand still on his chest from the way he flipped him.

Tony reacts instantly, or doesn’t, depending on who’s perspective you’re looking from. To him, it’s a full body reaction. He freezes, staying absolutely still on the ground, his mind completely blank, and not in any pleasant way. There’s alarm bells going off in his head, he can hear them distantly but there’s nothing he can do about it, not now. He can feel the cold in his bones, Steve is going to kill him. Somewhere, deep in his mind Tony is okay with that, it’s better this way, sure he’s angry at him but it’s better for the world to lose Tony Stark than Steve Rogers. Not that he would’ve killed Steve, not that he was trying to, he’s not sure if he would’ve been able to if he was, but it was better like this anyway. Time seems to be moving in slow motion, he focuses his vision and he can see Steve’s face. It’s concerned, very concerned. Why is he concerned? He’s supposed to be angry. He notices distantly that he’s not in the suit, that’s unfortunate, he’s definitely going to die then, he really should’ve worn it, to be honest he thought he did. As he looks up at Steve again something is even more off, he’s not wearing his suit either, that’s weird, he’s so sure he was just wearing it, he just saw it… Steve’s mouth is moving and Tony tries to make out the words, they might be important, he’s not sure why but it feels essential that he tries. He really can’t though, he lets his eyes unfocus, it’s too difficult to try right now, he just wants this to be over. Unfortunately, it seems that Steve has other plans.

His awareness comes back slowly, first he realizes he’s warm, and that doesn’t make sense, and he’s in a bed and that’s not right at all. Steve seems to be gone too, where did he go? Did he leave with Bucky? He looks around, he’s in his bedroom… he’s in his bedroom, oh Christ. It’s at that point he sees Steve standing by the door, his posture tight and anxious. He’s not looking at Tony, he’s talking quietly into his phone, brow furrowed. Tony is sitting on his bed, hunched over, knees to his chest. He lets his head fall to his knees and closes his eyes. He’s still a bit shaky but he knows where he is now and what’s really happening and somehow that makes it worse. He feels so fragile and useless and ridiculous and he’s clearly upset Steve which fucking sucks.

“How long was I out?” Steve turns back to glance at Tony, with a look of surprise and quickly ends his call.

“About thirty minutes.” He doesn’t come much closer to the bed, which isn’t surprising after what just happened. “Are you alright? You had me worried there…”

“Yeah I’m fine, I’ll be fine, I just need a minute. What, exactly, uh, happened, from your point of view?” He runs his hand through his hair and rubs his face.

“We were sparring and when I pinned you, you just stopped moving and wouldn’t respond. I thought that leaving you in the gym would probably be a bad idea so I carried you here, sorry…”

“It’s fine don’t worry about it, wasn’t much else you could’ve done.”

“JARVIS called Rhodes but he couldn’t come in, I was just on the phone with him.”

“That’s fine, he helps me out enough already, I’ll call him back later so he doesn’t freak out… Are you good? I mean that was probably a little fucked up to see.” He laughs ruefully, Steve doesn’t really seem amused, ugh.

“I’m alright, as long as you are?”

“Yeah yeah, you don’t need to worry about me Steve it’s fine, I think I’m gonna just have a bit of a rest.”

“Alright… I’m so sorry about all this.”

“Don’t be, it was my idea anyways, thanks for trying.”

“If, if you need anything just let me know, or tell JARVIS to let me know.” Tony nods and waves him off and he leaves the room, shutting the door quietly behind him. Tony falls back on the bed with a groan.

“Well that was fucking embarrassing. Hey JARVIS let me know when he’s out of range of the elevator, and account for the hearing.”

“Of course sir, although I must suggest that you do as you said you would and get some rest.”

“Yeah yeah I know, wish I could J, wish I could.”

 

It’s just his luck that about an hour later someone knocks on his workshop door. It takes him a while to register it, he only hears it because JARVIS has turned down his music. Steve is at the door, Tony grimaces but puts his work down and gestures for him to come in.

“So this is resting?” From anyone else it would sound judgmental but Steve is keeping his voice gentle, he sounds more worried than anything.

Tony pulls another face, “I was kind of hoping JARVIS wouldn’t tell on me.”

“He didn’t, at least not until I asked.”

“You are a traitor J, this is treason.” JARVIS ignores him.

“I think we should talk Tony, something happened there, and I don’t want it to happen again if I can help it. I don’t want you to pretend like everything’s okay when it’s clearly not.”

He doesn’t meet Steve’s gaze and grumbles at his work bench. “What if I don’t want to.”

He sighs, “then we don’t have to, but I don’t want to be hurting you, even unintentionally, and I can’t fix this if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“Fine. But this is going to suck for both of us and I want to sit down properly for it.” Steve nods, and they walk over the couches, sitting across from each other, the coffee table a wall between them. “I’m not going to go into the gritty details because honestly I don’t think that’s necessary… but I can give you the gist of it. What happened in Siberia really fucked me up, you know that, I know that. I already have, issues and it did me no favors there. I get flashbacks sometimes, have nightmares, it’s been getting better but having you around has made it a little more difficult.” Steve’s face is pained and Tony just knows he’s about to suggest he leave again so he holds up a hand before he can open his mouth. “No, and let me finish. It’s going to take a while for me to work through but it’s like immersion therapy, I have to learn how to deal with it, and I will. Sparring was a bit of a dumb idea, of course fighting you was going to trigger a flashback. Don’t go blaming yourself for that either, I suggested it so it’s my fault. I want you here okay? I want things to go back to the way they were, It’s going to take time but I think we can do it.”

Steve chews his lower lip, it takes him a moment to respond, “I’m still sorry, I should’ve known better.” Tony starts to roll his eyes but Steve gives him a significant look. “I didn’t know coming back would be this hard on you and I’m sorry.” He looks down at his hands for a moment, clasped in his lap. He looks penitent. “Is there anything I can do to keep this from happening again?”

“Honestly, just follow my lead. If I suggest something that stupid again, you can call me out on it and I’ll reconsider but for now, I’ll… I’ll try to tell you if somethings wrong. I can’t expect things to improve if we don’t work together on this.”

“Okay, I can do that… I, appreciate you being so open… this isn’t something that’s easy for you to talk about and I know that.”

“It’s fine, thank you for listening.” They sit like that for a little longer, until Tony eventually stands up, Steve following along. He goes back to his workbench and Steve goes to leave, pausing at the door.

“For what it’s worth, it means a lot to be back here, thank you for giving me a home again.” He smiles ever so slightly and walks out, not waiting for a response. Not that Tony knows what the hell to say to that anyways. He turns back to his work, his mind quiet for the first time in a while, but he finds himself unable to focus.

“Hey J? Can you turn down the lights? I think I’m going to get some rest.”

 

 

The next two days are a little better, Tony actually manages to get an almost normal amount of sleep with only the normal amount of nightmares, and he can stand to be in the same room as Steve for more than thirty seconds now. They’re doing a little bit of decorating for Halloween, they’re not going to be having a huge party, just everyone who’s here and a few of the new Avengers. It was Pepper’s suggestion, get everyone together in a less stressful environment than the talks. One where they could hang out without a huge cloud hanging over their heads. Currently, she’s directing Steve on where to place decorations. Unfortunately for him, he’s the tallest person around, but he hasn’t complained at all. Not that anyone would ever dare to complain to Pepper’s face but still. Tony is sitting at the island, working away on his tablet and slowly draining his cup of coffee. People won’t be arriving for another few hours thankfully, so he still has time to finish up his work. It’s nothing urgent, but it is actually interesting so he’s all the more inclined to actually get it done. That does mean he’ll have to stop playing around with different models for the prototype though. *Technically* he’s not in charge of the physical design for this project, just the software, but he usually does a few concepts for the projects they send his way anyways. He also ends up designing everything for the products that he comes up with himself so it’s not like he’s bad at it, it’s just that “he has people for that” and “he has better things he could be doing” blah blah blah. One of the perks of being rich is being able to set his own hours and work on whatever he wants. He does have to work on whatever is sent to him as well but when he’s in the workshop for 14 hours straight those are long done.

He eventually attempts to retreat to the couch to finish his work when the kitchen is commandeered to make food. He said that they should just get it catered but Steve had just given him a look, said ‘ten people Tony’, and Tony had given in. He’s probably right as per usual but it meant that now Tony is getting dragged away from his (very important!) work to help. Nat and Steve are working to make the bigger dishes while Tony has been set to help with the appetizers and drinks. Clint has been tied to the couch and is attempting to play Mario Kart with his feet. He’s doing surprisingly well.

It’s a fairly simple affair, it’s just friends so no one is too worried about impressing anyone and it’s Halloween so really it doesn’t need to be that intense honestly. He’s arranging cheese, lost in though, Nat hip checks him lightly and starts fixing his mess.

“Anyone would think you’ve never seen a cheese board before.” She smiles lightly, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Anyone who knows me would know that I have.” He rolls his eyes back at her and they work in companionable silence, moving to another platter when they’re done. It’s nice to spend time with her, they’d gotten all their weird apology conversations out of the way back when she moved back in, and if he’s honest, Tony had already forgiven her long before that. He’s known Nat longer than any of the rest of the Avengers, even if you don’t count ‘Natalie’, which he still kind of does, they built up a rapport! So it was easy to let her back in, to dismiss her concerns with a wave of his hand and give her a hug. It wasn’t as if he could just shut out everyone who turned their backs on him, then where would he be. He’d have like two friends, maybe, and that would just be sad. There are some things that are not so hard to forgive, and it’s not like he doesn’t get why people would pick Steve over him, who wouldn’t really. Anyways, it’s good, they’re fine, and he’s not just saying that for once.

The food is finished right before the guests arrive, Steve is being fussy because he doesn’t think the plates are being laid out nicely enough and it makes Tony smile a little, to see everything so normal. Clint has partially untied himself, it was Natasha’s work so he couldn’t get it all undone, and she’s finally merciful, undoing the rest with a single strategic pull. He stretches, cracking his joints loudly and grinning up at her, she just calls him gross and rolls her eyes.

Rhodey gets there first, pulling Tony into a warm hug.

“Hey platypus, long time no see?”

“Ever the comedian,” he says pulling back. “You should take that routine of yours on tour. How are you?”

“You know, been better, been worse… I’m okay, it’s okay.” He makes a bit of a face which Rhodey raises an eyebrow at, but it’s the truth, honestly.

“Alright, alright, you have my phone number I know. Now where’s the finger food, I’m starved.” Tony smiles as he ambles off, going to bother Clint who is trying to hoover up all the appetizers with the force of a dyson.

Sam and Bucky show up next, bringing beer and chips. They both prod at Steve, speaking to him semi-quietly, which is annoying because Tony kind of wants to know what they’re saying. He’s quickly distracted however, by the arrival of Wanda and Vision, who are the last guests to arrive. Things are still, awkward, around the two of them, especially with JARVIS back to running the house. But it’s not too weird and honestly it could be a lot worse so he’ll take it. It’s not a huge gathering, he’s not sure if Scott (that’s his name, right?) was invited. Probably, seeing as Pepper and JARVIS organized everything and they’re not that rude, but the man has a family and probably a day job so Tony’s not surprised he’s missing. Peter was not invited because as much as Tony likes the kid, he’s 12 and it’s a school night. T’Challa was invited but was far too busy to make the trek, which he thinks is more than fair. He’s not about to abandon his duties for a Halloween party halfway across the world. He had called though and they’d had a nice chat about the state of affairs. Shuri had been in the background, annoying her brother and showing off some new tech. At any rate, there’s enough people around that it’s not depressing, and not so many that Tony has to put on any sort of fake mask, other than the one he almost always wears anyways. It’s nice to have people he likes around, it’s good to have Barnes back, at least for Steve’s sake. He still keeps his distance, just because he’s forgiven him doesn’t mean he’s comfortable around him, but he’s polite, and tries to just let everyone enjoy themselves without interfering too much.

A small fight breaks out after everyone’s done eating between Clint, Sam, Nat, and Bucky over Wii Tennis, but everyone is laughing. It ends as soon as Pepper arches her eyebrows at them from across the room. They continue to elbow and trip each other whenever she’s not looking, only stopping when the game finally ends, Nat and Bucky grinning smugly. Steve stands near Tony and watches them, smiling as he does. Tony thinks fuck it, and breaks the silence.

“This is nice.”

Steve doesn’t look at him when he replies, but Tony can see the caution in his body language, can see him stiffen, knows he’s paying attention. “It is,” he says cautiously, “I wasn’t sure if we’d ever get this again.”

“Well you know, none of us have ever been good at holding grudges.”

Steve pauses at that, his voice hopeful and quiet as he responds. “I guess not, pretty hard to with this bunch,” he smiles, looking down.

“You know, saying it is probably gonna bite me in the ass but I can’t help thinking…”

“Yeah?” His voice is even softer now, he’s turned to look at Tony, his eyes soft.

“I really think things are gonna be alright.”

Steve’s responding smile is so incredibly gentle, hopeful and bright in the most beautiful way. Tony doesn’t remember the last time he saw a smile that beautiful, Tony doesn’t remember when he started thinking Steve was beautiful again, but he lets those thoughts wash away, drift downstream. Now is not the time, now is the time to savor the moment, to bask in that light once more, feel the strength of it and rejoice.

“You know what?”

“What?”

“I think you’re right.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Now that school's over I'll have time to write!  
> Me: *gets a full time job*  
> Me:
> 
> Hopefully this chapter being longer (like over double the usual length lol) makes up for the lateness! I've been trying to make them a bit longer lately, I feel like they're too short and I can never finish my scenes in a short enough time anyways. 
> 
> I can’t believe endgame destroyed my headcanon of Steve being a decent cook, what did I ever do to you! (No I will not be discussing this movie, I live in the past now, where things don’t hurt and I can rot my teeth with dumb fluff.)  
> Anyways I hope you enjoy! If it helps I have about 3000 words written of future scenes which should *hopefully* make some future chapters easier. I don't know how to write things in order. 
> 
> Also, we’re ignoring some canon here in that the whole bruce/nat thing never happened and also clint doesn’t have a family, itd be kind of weird if he did and then came to live at the tower anyways. Also as much as I love ragnarok we’re ignoring it ☹ it doesn’t super fit with what im doing so alas, it must go
> 
> Extra notes: Days are October 26th, 28th, 29th and 31st. Full guest list for the party is: Steve, Tony, Nat, Clint, Pepper, Rhodey, Sam, Bucky, Wanda, and Vision.


End file.
